My love…

You sat me broken and wounded… You sat me alone and scared…
You sat me in the dark, on a chair…You sat me in the corner, in the rain.
You left me tied up in chains… You left me gasping for air.
You left me desperate… whispering prayers…

You left me without faith.

You stabbed me, with a vengeance. You viciously ripped my soul apart.
You poisoned my purified blood streams. You contaminated my poor heart.
You shook my soul and scattered my pride. You made sure you  had won…
You had to make sure you triumphed. You had to make sure i was done.

There’s so much i want to say to you. So many questions why.
Why cant you stop yourself, from hiding behind your blinds.
I wish you could face me, and then face the world alone..
and realize you are nothing, but a fading story that’s been told.

You remind me of the desert, a deathly field of gold.
You remind me of a fire, coaxing innocence from the cold.
I think of you and shudder… I worry for myself.
I wonder how many other fools, were mislead by your stealth.

I will never forgive you. I will never forget.
I will pray for a shadow, to wait for your death.
I will conjure the genies, from the depths of the earth.
I will guide them to you, inform them of your dues.
They will wait for you silently, in the dark,
When the red lamp in your room is quietly sparked.
They will hover above you, preventing the light,
To ever reach you and help you survive.
They will walk with you, every step of the way.
They will make sure you forever remain a stray.

RD (c)

 
N.B. May the gods forgive me, for being so cruel… This is not who i am…. I am not a monstrous ghoul…
But my faith has been taken, and i am alone… Left gasping for air, left screaming in the cold.
I am screaming for justice, I am screaming for more. I am waiting for a miracle, to help me grow.

]]> http://curiouslycheezy.wordpress.com/2012/01/29/i-curse-thee-my-love/feed/ 0 curiouslycheezy voodoo_quin_by_mashamaklaut-d3330tu http://curiouslycheezy.wordpress.com/2012/01/27/the-one-man-show/ http://curiouslycheezy.wordpress.com/2012/01/27/the-one-man-show/#comments Fri, 27 Jan 2012 10:35:15 +0000 curiouslycheezy http://curiouslycheezy.wordpress.com/?p=146 ]]>

The curtains opened, and the greatest actor who ever lived walked on the stage. He was tall, pale yet handsome, with a penetrating voice filled with humour.

The audience devoured every word, every joke, every insinuation.

The actor discussed his divorce, and how his life had changed drastically since the custody loss of his dog… and the audience laughed. The actor went on to describe his misery and loneliness… while the audience laughed on.  He spoke at length about the viciousness of his parents and the hardships of his childhood…. and the audience couldn’t help but laugh.

I looked at the stranger sitting next to me. Wondering how he had managed to trick me into believing he was real. Wondering what kind of illusion techniques he owns that lead me to believe he was honest. Wondering why on earth would i be so gullible….

The curtains closed, and the audience applauded with fury. People were feeling good about themselves, having just spent 2 hours laughing unashamedly at someone else’s misfortunes. No one felt as good as the stranger sitting beside me. He turned to me with an exaggerated smile, and held out his arm. I walked quietly with him to the parking lot, and  listened to him ramble on about how talented the actor was, in portraying sadness.

As i decline his invitation for dinner, I wondered if he knew, that he was the greatest actor who ever walked on to my stage. 

The saxophone played in the background, and I heard Billy Joel murmuring “I love you…. Just the way you are…” I stared at my laptop, silently cursing it to hell. Why would it choose to play the one song that’s been breaking my heart for years? My laptop just glowed steadily at me. Daring me to change the song.

I closed my eyes and listened… my mind was curious. My eyes fell on a tiny wishing jar, filled with golden fairy dust, sitting between my books on the shelf. I had bought it when I was 12, and had saved the fairy dust for something special. Something I was sure I would one day want, but need more than just prayers to get it. I wondered if it was still healthy at the age of 30, to be fighting the urge of sprinkling fairy dust on a withering love story?

If only fairy dust would pause time, so I can have a moment to think. If only fairy dust would give me hope instead of disappointment. Oh, how I wished fairy dust would give me the power to change… so he can stop hesitating to find me.

Do I need to wish on a star for him to look at me with hope… instead of disappointment? Do I have to kiss a frog for him to know I believe in change? Shall I throw millions in the Fontana De Trevi, to show him I had faith?

I’ll sneak out into the desert, on a full moon’s night, and get down on my knees and wait. I’ll wait for the sun to rise, and the dew to form. I’ll wait for the beetles to ascend from the fog, and the foxes to disappear behind the dunes. I’ll wait for the heat to warm my skin and watch for mankind to wake. I will observe God’s creation and wait.

Rest little child, in the arms of the brave. Rest little child, in the fluff of the clouds. Rest little child, in the skies above me. Rest little child… without me.

May you sleep in peace, knowing your safe. May you rest in peace, far far away. May you smile in your sleep, and dream of me. A distant love array…

May you be cared for by angels.. May you be loved by all… May you never think of me… May you never know me at all…

I dream of you when you first wake up, how your eyes lazily flutter. I imagine your face, full and round, with black curls which hover.

I dream of staring into your eyes and pouring my soul into them. I wish i could feel your skin on my face and whisper love into your heavens.

I want to shed a tear on your cheek, and have you taste my sorrow. I want to tear open my stomach and hide you from the morrow.

I want to say a prayer over you, i want to make a deal. I want the devil to meet me at the crossroads, and give me back that year.

They won’t let me get close to you, the angels know me well. A love like the one i have for you, would deem me back to hell.

I am happy that you are safe. I am happy that they are all there. I hope grandma found you, and her smell comforts your wail…

Don’t you miss me… Don’t you even dare… I am nothing to you… I am all you have to blame.

I will come to you… I swear, I will come running to you… The second someone helps me, blow out my flame.

RD (c)

He was a cruel man… Old and shriveled. He had a cigarette hanging from his mouth, the filter soaked with saliva. His eyes were mean, his posture was defensive… he was avoiding eye contact. His feet were dirty, and his once white under shirt was brown from months of being neglected. He spoke with conviction, but also with a slight tremor of fear. His hands gave away everything; the restlessness of his wrists and constant twitching of his thumb; the continuous relighting of his cigar and repositioning of his glasses.

She wondered why she was there. She wondered why she had come. She wondered why her heart was so desperate for a ray of light. She wondered how desperate her soul must be if she was willing to come here.. all the way here. The cafe was tiny and had a dusty damp smell. She looked around, and saw the room was lit with green uncovered bulbs and the walls were old bricks, scathed with the memories, she though, of words spoken and lost. She wondered how soon she can leave, how fast she should run. She realized how wrong it was to be there.

He continued preaching, speaking of his truths as if to challenge her, as if to provoke her, as if to see how much she can take before she walks away. He was surprised to see her smile, he was surprised to see her cry, and he was surprised to hear her laugh. He smiled back, feeling elated, showing his darkened teeth, reminding her of his history, revealing to her, her future.

It was a beautiful day, and the whole city was out on the streets filing up the cafe’s, beaches and sidewalks… In one of the cafe’s, nestled in a corner along side the beach, i sat across from her, watching her thoughtfully as she chatted. it was hard for me to control my facial expressions, but i think i managed to maintain a steady, mildly interested face.

She seemed disturbed, yet unaware of it.
she seemed restless yet happy about it.
she seemed excited yet hesitant.
she seemed scared but hopeful.

She ended her ramblings with a question, and it took me a couple of minutes to register she was expecting an answer. I was hoping the question would find its way to the large majestic lazy ocean, and evaporate with the sunset. After all, how could i answer her, when the truth will only  break her heart.

I wanted to tell her that there was hope, but she needed to refine it.
I wanted to tell her, that she could make it, but she needed to open her eyes, ears and senses.
I wanted to tell her it was all possible to achieve, everything her soul desired; if she’d only choose a path.
I wanted to tell her, she was wanted, by many and not just for her beauty.
i would tell her she was needed because she was unique, because she was in pain and because she had a soul.
I would tell her of all the people quietly watching her, waiting for her stroke of genius to strike… if only…

If only she would understand that the world does not revolve around her.
If only she would comprehend how important it is to value the people who surround her.
if only she would realize that respect is what people look for, and that her narcism is what’s pushing them away.
If only she could see how people try so very hard to keep themselves around her, but eventually find her selfishness repulsive.
If only she would appreciate the sincerity of the people who love her, she would then stop being afraid…
If only she would see her own contradictions, of claiming bravery, but applying cowardice. Of declaring love, but showing hate. Of displaying passion, but exhibiting chaos. Of shallow pretensions, but a desire for greatness.

I managed to give her a bright smile. I patted her arm warmly and told her carelessly not to worry, that things will work out just the way she wanted them to. I told her she had a great plan, and that she was on top of things. I encouraged her imagination, and soothed her soul. It was very important for her to be acknowledged. She will never change… not for me and not even for herself.

Phone dont fail me now, hold on till the finish line.
My heart breaks with every beat you dont cry.

I drive through the streets, day dreaming the roads away.
I feel so alone, looking for a warm and secluded home.

You make me sad. You make me cry.
Sometimes love is not enough, and the road gets rough and dry.

You make me laugh. You make me high.
The road is long and dusty, but at least it won’t lie.

Let me hold you tight, remove you from the ‘other’ side.
Haven’t you had enough from girls who are wild?

We’re all going to die so which of your words will lie
to my heart and tell me you meant every vow?

RD (c) 2012

Taken and adapted from born to die lyrics by lana del ray

Imagine a tea party, full of people with ideas.
Imagine a gathering, full of atheists and heathens.
Imagine a conversation, thats as old as time; consider the perspectives built over centuries of ideologies.
Imagine people as alien to each other, as Alice,  the mad hatter, dormouse and march hare.
Finally, imagine yourself between these people.

You. You come to me after two weeks and you promise me a journey of a life time. You promise me security and laughter, you promise me companionship. You promise me you’ll be a better man and you promise me i won’t regret it. I let down my guard a little bit, but decide to be impulsive and take a risk. I dive into the olympic pool of your words and find myself drowning, with no life guard watching over me. I realize im too far from the surface, and i start to wonder if i can fight the under water currents of your carelessness… i begin to seriously consider closing my eyes, and allowing the water to fill up my lungs. Oh, how i wish i never found you.

Him. He comes to me after a year of waiting. he comes to me with force and dedication. with promises long gone, and treasures buried too deep… he comes running to me, (maybe as a last resort) with love and faith. he skips towards  me with helplessness and pain while he repeats words i’ve heard a million times before. he swears to me of dreams i have dreamed so much of that they have started to cause me pain. He reminds me of our shared promises, our foundation of dreams… he finally remembers our good times and decided to let go of the hate. As i walk away i imagine how my life would be, if he really had it in him, to live our dreams.. but i assure myself that our dreams would have been turned against us, and nothing would be achieved. Oh, how i wish he never found me.

And finally, you… You show up after years of philosophizing about life, love and friends… about travelling and exploring and maybe discovering something rare. You read of poets and writers and imagine, what it would be like if we lived in a world full of readers and feelers, who strive to communicate through verse and strive towards cultural prosperity. You failed to realize that the years have passed you by, and what you are now asking of the world will not be reciprocated during your lifetime. You are beyond your years? yes, but you are also behind in your years. The years that passed you by were spent in a cloud of rainbows enclosed within a very dark and grey atmosphere. You show up after all these years to tell me that you have finally realized, all your journeys were about finding me. Don’t you realize i dont want to be found by you?

She walked in confident, with an unseen tremor

in her eye.

She walked in beautifully, he couldn’t help but sigh.

She spoke so lightly. Dripping with kindness and smiles.

She whispered so gently. A tear dropped from his eye.

She saw him broken… lying on a chair.

She saw him broken… without words to say.

She saw him sway, like an old oak tree…

She smiled to him, as though saying;

It’s okay to flee.

She couldn’t help but wonder, whether he was lost or defeated.

She couldn’t help but ponder, which fires bereaved him.

She couldn’t help but imagine, what he would have been like,

If life was kinder? grander? or even more simplified…?

She saw a labryinth in his eyes, a difficult route to his soul.

She was stuck in a maze, inside his brain – under his control.

A mega mind… yet so small within,

His veins hold magic… that ignite with sin.