i find the concept of the yellow brick road very interesting… i find it applicable on everybody’s life and path towards their destiny, regardless, whether their destiny is to find glory or doom, an example of the latter is macbeth. 

Hmmm….  but lets focus on the wizard of oz, it is the story that has grasped my interest over the last few days.

Apparently it tells of the economic situation in america back then (the 1920’s and 30’s coz the book was published in 1937/39). it was the time of abusive mass manpower to retail raw materials (farming and mining)

Before i go on, for those of you who dont remember the details of the story click here (http://www.amphigory.com/oz.htm) before youread any further..

i wont go into the preliminary details of the story but focus on the characters.

the tin man had no heart, his story was; the wicked witch that was ruling them, had taken all the men in his region and cursed them to work for her.  so they worked, and realized the more they worked they couldnt stop, and as they worked, their body parts started to change into tin. now that he is over worked and tired he cant feel love, comfort or gratitude, all he feels like doing is working, and since dorothy’s house fell on the witch’s house andn killed the witch, he had no where to go, but with her, to OZ, to try and get a heart.

The scarecrow came upon them accidentally, he had no brains, since their houses were raided by the witch’s army and all of his people were used for the main purpose of scaring birds off the crops. over time, ofcourse, they changed from real men, to scarecrows made of hay. He hasnt used his brain in so long, and now he will walk with them on the yellow brick, to hopefully get a brain.

Last but not least is the lion… who did not understand why when he roars everybody runs away. he doesn’t know how to make friends, and worst of all, there is no courage behind his magnificent roar. and so, he follows the yellow brick road with the posse.

we are all looking for the yellow brick road, so we feel at ease and safe, that at least we’re on the right road. we all have those moments of doubts, when for example evil flying monkeys attack you unsuspectedly.. or in more realistic terms, somebody lets you down, you feel confused again and wonder if you were really believing in the right things all along.

we take the wrong detour and after a long struggle we realize which turning we missed , but are content with what happened anyway. again, in more pragmatic turns, we make mistakes and live with the guilt till we can forgive ourselves.

and last but not least, dorothy’s red shoes (in the movie, they are red, but in the book, they are silver the majority Vs government). the good witch tells her that she needn’t have gone all the way OZ to get home, all she could’ve done, was click her heels and wish to go home, for her shoes are the most magical in the land. does this remind you of the alchemist by paulo coelho(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Alchemist_(novel))? the treasure you seek, is right under you feet. this is the moral all the time, in every story that was told in every time.

It really bugged me that the wizard of oz, turned out to be a nerdy little man.  i like to believe in magic and the impossible. like harry potter, that was tremendous till the very end and really quenched my thirst for imagination. But the wizard of oz being a nerdy little man serves its purpose, there is no man greater than you, unless he has better presentation skills! its all about the illusion you want to elude.

That reminds me of a crazy boy i know, who runs around in the same family social circle. he lost his dad a few years ago, and i think he decided, to portray a crazy psychologically effected little boy, to get away with everything he wants to do! people think he’s off-balanced but i think he’s an evil mastermind >:)

speaking of morals, life and people, how about survivor this season (http://www2.survivor.com ). i have to be honest, i don’t like watching reality shows, and was coerced into it, but i liked how the old man won, it was fair, it was honest and really, “the meek… inherit(ed) the earth”!  

its nice when “good prevails”.

 

I know i discuss “this year” a lot, but bear with me… this year was supposed to be great, and it has. every year i like to visit a new place and this year i did. I needed some alone time, and i got it, and a few new unplanned things popped up, that could be bad, i’m sure, they are good in some ways.  i bumped into an old friend, whom i realized did not change. another friend is receiving a life altering change, and i hope they know how to safe guard it. 

Next year is gonna kick ass.

so, its been a while since my last post. to my loyal fan base i apologize for my long absense. i was going through a life changing.. change

i keep comming across the same type of Omani female these days. i guess i can call them the Contemporary young Women of our nation. they are so skinny that you feel their arms are as long as their bodies. their hair is dyed dark or light brown with highlights and their hijab starts from the middle of their head, AFTER their bangs. they usually dress in bright colors, and try to sport the business jacket and hijab look – the omani corporate look i guess?
i dont know which is better to be honest.. to risk getting color blinded by all these colors and designs i see on a daily basis, or just befriend the  subtle girls in abayas…
i preffer being subtle though i dont try to look subtle. i try and compensate by having boring ugly friends. its easier, and what ive realized, ugly people are nicer and intelligent that beautiful people.
now, beautiful and ugly is a metaphore. by beautiful, i mean the people that actually THINK they are better looking than everybody else. they dress flambouyantly and laugh louder than everybody else, and probably like to flash their pimped out mobile phones. but the bitch of it is, they dont actually think they are better looking only, but they think they are smarter, more intelligent and have ‘ettiqette’ .
im tired of snobs. im tired of belonging to an imaginary social caste. im tired of not being able to like people because they have missing teeth and smell funny. hmm.. scratch that. i dont want that kind of friends.

i know it doesnt make any sense, but i guess this is just a rambly post

i have an allergy, and its a really bad one. not bad enough to kill me, but definitely bad enough to scar me for life. literally. its a skin allergy, and it drives me nuts, makes me hate the skin im in, and wonder, during those long itchy and lonely nights, what i ever did to deserve this.

so it all started, a year and a half ago, around march. We were sitting on the beach, my friends and i, one evening, when i started to itch. i couldnt stop. i thought a million ants had bitten my thigh, and it was just too much. the itch wouldnt stop for 2 days, on the 3rd day, i started to develop little lumps on my skin, that radiate a burning senstation. it wasnt good. so a friend recommended Badr Al Sama’s dermatologist, and so i went.

he was an idiot. he told me i got bit by a jelly fish, that lives in the sand. so i said, if im suffering from a jelly bite reaction, then you know how to treat me, right? he nods, confidently, reassuring me of his expertise. i take the pills he prescribes and it just… doesnt get better.

there is a little clinic in MQ called, the MediDent – its not only a clinic that hosts expats, but a very expensive dentistry also! so i paid them a visit, loved the old care bear doctor and he really did try to figure out what was happening to me, but to no avail, all my tests were normal *SIGH* what do i do….?

My office, then had a fit with all clinics in the Sultanate, and the new -modifiend for internal purposes- medical -insurance -policy was announced, staff must only attend MPH (muscat Private hosp), for their health concerns. I thought that would be a good break for me, so i became a regular attendee at MPH and was lucky enough to have the allergy specialist interested in my case (he was a floozy too, he kept forgetting that im allergic to IBprofein) . he remained my doctor none the less for more than a year.

This last week, my anti-histamins havent been working. i started taking two pills a day, remembering quite well, the doctors instructions to not take more than one pill a day. increasing my anti-histamine dosage was not working. for the last 3 days, i have been itching non stop. i decided to quickly drive down to the wattaya clinic, and tell them i need an anti histamine injection for releif. i paid my two hundered baizas and got excited, there were only two patients waiting before me and therfore i calculated, in my head, that the doctor wont take more than ten mins each. after all, government doctors these days, just look at you, interview you, and insert your symptoms in the computer, then receive instructions from the computer that will cure you! thats why i came here, i wasnt interested in another futile chat about my condition, i just wanted a shot, and thought they are a government institute, should at least be able to give me releif? so i end up  waiting for 15 mins.. 5 mins more than expected (the doctors were obviously taking their time!), then finally my name gets called. i find an interesting looking doctor infront of me. she had a sweet face, and slight mustache, glasses that she kept nudging upwards with her index finger, and a shirt that was tucked somehow underneath her armpits. she was lovely i could tell, joking with the nurses, but it was her intelligence i was more concered about…  her eyes, i finally noticed, were alive and her brain was working, she picked up on everything i was saying, asked me questions, and looked at my skin ( and there it is, that was definitely more than what the Dr in MPH did). after 20 mins of complaining and almost crying to her about my condition (and yes twenty mins, she spent with me, not even looking at the time, or worrying about the que outside that was surely forming).

she asked me a really cool question that non of the other doctors had asked me. she asked me what I thought triggered my allergy, and i told her i felt it was  “heat” any form of heat or warmth, i felt made my skin hypersensitive. it couldnt have been my food or cosmetic products, because i had changed EVERYTHING and every brand that i generally used over the last 18 months including my clothes detergent. i use the detegergent thats ‘friends with your skin’ and the small one costs around 4 OMR. i feel stupid for doing it… but…

No matter how crazy i felt i sounded when i said heat instigates my allergy, she didnt laugh. she did a million tests, and now i have to keep going back for the next 3 weeks, but at the end of it… she said it was most probably urticaria, and i said , what? do she wrote it down on a peice of paper and gave it to me.

so today, i did what any normal human being would have done, i googled urticaria, and what i found made me so happy: im a proud sufferee of cholinergic urticaria

When we two parted
In silence and tears,

Half broken-hearted,
To sever for years,

Pale grew thy cheek and cold,
Colder thy kiss;

Truly that hour foretold
Sorrow to this.

The dew of the morning
Sank chill on my brow -

It felt like the warning
Of what I feel now.

Thy vows are all broken,
And light is thy fame:

I hear thy name spoken,
And share in its shame.

They name thee before me,
A knell to mine ear;

A shudder comes o’er me -
Why wert thou so dear?

They know not I knew thee,
Who knew thee too well: -

Long, long shall I rue thee
Too deeply to tell.

In secret we met -
In silence I grieve

That thy heart could forget,
Thy spirit deceive.

If I should meet thee
After long years,

How should I greet thee? -
With silence and tears.

 

This has been one of my all time favourite poems. over the years ive been able to see it in different lights. i know most of the bloggers out there, arent into classic poetry, let contemporary poetry.

poetry has always been a hard thing to digest, for many people. poetry is a matter of taste – like food. some people like contemporary literature like Maya Angelou’s and some prefer lyrics, to a typical poem. in the end, its all about a bunch of words put together, to hit home. i think i will be posting some literature over the next few days, just to get it out of my system. Also, though, i’m searching for specific literature, than i can use during my day hours, and i guess you guys, will have to live the search with me

another point, id like to add, i am secretly dedicating this post to a friend of mine, who keeps checking in on me, every now and again. this person is about to embark on a new journy. a journey that was meant to be, and a journey that needs to be rememberd every step of the way. some things are worth that. so for her, i am also going to throw in this link, to enhance the words  

 

How I came to Islam
By Yusuf Islam
January 1st, 1985

All I have to say is all what you know already, to confirm what you already know, the message of the Prophet (Sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) as given by God – the Religion of Truth. As human beings we are given a consciousness and a duty that has placed us at the top of creation. Man is created to be God’s deputy on earth, and it is important to realize the obligation to rid ourselves of all illusions and to make our lives a preparation for the next life. Anybody who misses this chance is not likely to be given another, to be brought back again and again, because it says in Qur’an Majeed that when man is brought to account, he will say, “O Lord, send us back and give us another chance.” The Lord will say, “If I send you back you will do the same.” I was brought up in the modern world of all the luxury and the high life of show business. I was born in a Christian home, but we know that every child is born in his original nature – it is only his parents that turn him to this or that religion. I was given this religion (Christianity) and thought this way. I was taught that God exists, but there was no direct contact with God, so we had to make contact with Him through Jesus – he was in fact the door to God. This was more or less accepted by me, but I did not swallow it all. I looked at some of the statues of Jesus; they were just stones with no life. And when they said that God is three, I was puzzled even more but could not argue. I more or less believed it, because I had to have respect for the faith of my parents. Gradually I became alienated from this religious upbringing. I started making music. I wanted to be a big star. All those things I saw in the films and on the media took hold of me, and perhaps I thought this was my God, the goal of making money. I had an uncle who had a beautiful car. “Well,” I said, “he has it made. He has a lot of money.” The people around me influenced me to think that this was it; this world was their God. I decided then that this was the life for me; to make a lot of money, have a ‘great life.’ Now my examples were the pop stars. I started making songs, but deep down I had a feeling for humanity, a feeling that if I became rich I would help the needy. (It says in the Qur’an, we make a promise, but when we make something, we want to hold onto it and become greedy.) So what happened was that I became very famous. I was still a teenager, my name and photo were splashed in all the media. They made me larger than life, so I wanted to live larger than life and the only way to do that was to be intoxicated (with liquor and drugs).

IN HOSPITAL

After a year of financial success and ‘high’ living, I became very ill, contracted TB and had to be hospitalized. It was then that I started to think: What was to happen to me? Was I just a body, and my goal in life was merely to satisfy this body? I realized now that this calamity was a blessing given to me by Allah, a chance to open my eyes – “Why am I here? Why am I in bed?” – and I started looking for some of the answers. At that time there was great interest in the Eastern mysticism. I began reading, and the first thing I began to become aware of was death, and that the soul moves on; it does not stop. I felt I was taking the road to bliss and high accomplishment. I started meditating and even became a vegetarian. I now believed in ‘peace and flower power,’ and this was the general trend. But what I did believe in particular was that I was not just a body. This awareness came to me at the hospital. One day when I was walking and I was caught in the rain, I began running to the shelter and then I realized, ‘Wait a minute, my body is getting wet, my body is telling me I am getting wet.’ This made me think of a saying that the body is like a donkey, and it has to be trained where it has to go. Otherwise, the donkey will lead you where it wants to go. Then I realized I had a will, a God-given gift: follow the will of God. I was fascinated by the new terminology I was learning in the Eastern religion. By now I was fed up with Christianity. I started making music again and this time I started reflecting my own thoughts. I remember the lyric of one of my songs. It goes like this: “I wish I knew, I wish I knew what makes the Heaven, what makes the Hell. Do I get to know You in my bed or some dusty cell while others reach the big hotel?” and I knew I was on the Path. I also wrote another song, “The Way to Find God Out.” I became even more famous in the world of music. I really had a difficult time because I was getting rich and famous, and at the same time, I was sincerely searching for the Truth. Then I came to a stage where I decided that Buddhism is all right and noble, but I was not ready to leave the world. I was too attached to the world and was not prepared to become a monk and to isolate myself from society. I tried Zen and Ching, numerology, tarot cards and astrology. I tried to look back into the Bible and could not find anything. At this time I did not know anything about Islam, and then, what I regarded as a miracle occurred. My brother had visited the mosque in Jerusalem and was greatly impressed that while on the one hand it throbbed with life (unlike the churches and synagogues which were empty), on the other hand, an atmosphere of peace and tranquillity prevailed.

THE QUR’AN

When he came to London he brought back a translation of the Qur’an, which he gave to me. He did not become a Muslim, but he felt something in this religion, and thought I might find something in it also. And when I received the book, a guidance that would explain everything to me – who I was; what was the purpose of life; what was the reality and what would be the reality; and where I came from – I realized that this was the true religion; religion not in the sense the West understands it, not the type for only your old age. In the West, whoever wishes to embrace a religion and make it his only way of life is deemed a fanatic. I was not a fanatic, I was at first confused between the body and the soul. Then I realized that the body and soul are not apart and you don’t have to go to the mountain to be religious. We must follow the will of God. Then we can rise higher than the angels. The first thing I wanted to do now was to be a Muslim. I realized that everything belongs to God, that slumber does not overtake Him. He created everything. At this point I began to lose the pride in me, because hereto I had thought the reason I was here was because of my own greatness. But I realized that I did not create myself, and the whole purpose of my being here was to submit to the teaching that has been perfected by the religion we know as Al-Islam. At this point I started discovering my faith. I felt I was a Muslim. On reading the Qur’an, I now realized that all the Prophets sent by God brought the same message. Why then were the Jews and Christians different? I know now how the Jews did not accept Jesus as the Messiah and that they had changed His Word. Even the Christians misunderstand God’s Word and called Jesus the son of God. Everything made so much sense. This is the beauty of the Qur’an; it asks you to reflect and reason, and not to worship the sun or moon but the One Who has created everything. The Qur’an asks man to reflect upon the sun and moon and God’s creation in general. Do you realize how different the sun is from the moon? They are at varying distances from the earth, yet appear the same size to us; at times one seems to overlap the other. Even when many of the astronauts go to space, they see the insignificant size of the earth and vastness of space. They become very religious, because they have seen the Signs of Allah. When I read the Qur’an further, it talked about prayer, kindness and charity. I was not a Muslim yet, but I felt that the only answer for me was the Qur’an, and God had sent it to me, and I kept it a secret. But the Qur’an also speaks on different levels. I began to understand it on another level, where the Qur’an says, “Those who believe do not take disbelievers for friends and the believers are brothers.” Thus at this point I wished to meet my Muslim brothers.

CONVERSION

Then I decided to journey to Jerusalem (as my brother had done). At Jerusalem, I went to the mosque and sat down. A man asked me what I wanted. I told him I was a Muslim. He asked what was my name. I told him, “Stevens.” He was confused. I then joined the prayer, though not so successfully. Back in London, I met a sister called Nafisa. I told her I wanted to embrace Islam and she directed me to the New Regent Mosque. This was in 1977, about one and a half years after I received the Qur’an. Now I realized that I must get rid of my pride, get rid of Iblis, and face one direction. So on a Friday, after Jumma’ I went to the Imam and declared my faith (the Kalima) at this hands. You have before you someone who had achieved fame and fortune. But guidance was something that eluded me, no matter how hard I tried, until I was shown the Qur’an. Now I realize I can get in direct contact with God, unlike Christianity or any other religion. As one Hindu lady told me, “You don’t understand the Hindus. We believe in one God; we use these objects (idols) to merely concentrate.” What she was saying was that in order to reach God, one has to create associates, that are idols for the purpose. But Islam removes all these barriers. The only thing that moves the believers from the disbelievers is the salat. This is the process of purification.

Finally I wish to say that everything I do is for the pleasure of Allah and pray that you gain some inspirations from my experiences. Furthermore, I would like to stress that I did not come into contact with any Muslim before I embraced Islam. I read the Qur’an first and realized that no person is perfect. Islam is perfect, and if we imitate the conduct of the Holy Prophet (Sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) we will be successful. May Allah give us guidance to follow the path of the ummah of Muhammad (Sallallahu alaihi wa sallam). Ameen!
Yusuf Islam (Bio) (formerly Cat Stevens (Bio))

i, obviously did not write that, but i love this guy. he’s representated multiple forceful generations and societies in a wonderful manner. search for his videos on youtube (morning has broken, wild world, peace train, father and son).

today, im angry.

im angry coz of all the things that i havent accomplished this year.

This year was supposed to be good. it was to be smooth and i was supposed to be happy.

happines, do you think its our right or a privelidge? i often wondered. ive long given up on huge rewards, happiness that lasts or wonderful success. i, now hope for a rewarding career, a home full of love, and a personal life that makes me count the hours to leave work.  come to think of it, i have been asking for a lot, havent i?

i know its not manly or responsible to whine and moan about the past. but what do you do when it hurts, still? not in the rawness it used to, but in a sublte way. the hurt initiates from daily news like friends getting married, family members giving birth, people on a great vacation, someone not responding to your email, everybody has something to look forward to but not me.

theres a cheezy country song by a guy called Garry Allen. the title of his song, really caught my attention and thats why i downloaded it, its called “Smoke Rings in the Dark”; this is my favourite verse:

The rain falls where it wants to
The wind blows where it will
Everything on earth goes somewhere
But I swear we’re standin’ still
So I’m not going to wake you
I’ll go easy on your heart
I’ll just touch your face and drift away
Like smoke rings in the dark

i guess it hurts when some realizations hit you, and you figure out you havent moved as far along as you had thought, or hoped for.. or was so convinced of. 

im also angry at my heart. for not being strong enough to carry me when i most need it to. im angry at my brain for not sirening the alarms as early as it should have. im angry at my hands, for guiding my naivete. im angry at my soul for being older than its time.

then again, everything happens for a reason. at times like these i find comfort in words, something to soothe my mind.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Gibran Khalil Gibran

The Prophet

Chapter 5

Makes me think of the stable bow that launched me and how lucky i am amidst all the darkness. and looking at from a different perspective, is it all… really, worth it..?

Take this kiss upon the brow!  
And, in parting from you now,  
Thus much let me avow–  
You are not wrong, who deem  
That my days have been a dream;  
Yet if hope has flown away 
In a night, or in a day, 
In a vision, or in none,  
Is it therefore the less gone?  
All that we see or seem 
Is but a dream within a dream. 

Edgar Allen Poe

“A Dream Within a Dream”

 

Poe was a genius, he not only wrote in literature, but cosmology, cryptography and physics. he was noted down in history as one of those tragic geniuses that could have had it all but was destroyed by love (and maybe a sever case of rabies…)

Hmm… i guess thats why i should stop complaining. i don’t have rabies

 

 

many people have read this, framed it, learned it off by heart  ….the trainspotting ad :

Trainspotting (1996): Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family, Choose a big television, Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players, and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance. Choose fixed-interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends… Choose your future. Choose life.

the first time i ever saw that qoute was when i was in university, my greek flat mate had it over her bathroom door. when it was time to go home, she gave it to me as a reminder of her and what she stood for. no, she wasnt a junkie, and i always thought the poster was weird. ofcourse i would choose a big tv and washing machines, over a small tv and hanging my clothes out to dry on the roof. ofcourse im going to choose a job and get a career and hopefully find mr right, who would buy me all the stuff mentioned and give me a family too.

Then i watched the movie.

and i understood why and how these things can become a matter of ‘choice’ for some, and a matter of progress for others.

BUT… the movie didnt leave me in awe. i definitely thought it was interesting, and agree that its an important contemporary movie that describes a dangerous niche which largely exists in our society today. but the qoute didnt do much for me, as much as watching ewen mgregor did :)

i have many favourties quoutes. some random and some for a reason. Tupac, managed to diagnose and cure my anxiety problems in 3 lines.

Tupac: you can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks or even months, over analyzing a situaion: trying to put the peices together, justifying what could’ve would’ve happened.. or you could leave the peices on the floor and move the fuck on.

Then i watched an old movie on mbc2 late at nite. its a long movie blah blah but then, the young michael douglas said:-

Michael Douglas, Wall Street (1987): The point is, ladies and gentleman, is that greed – for lack of a better word – is good. Greed is right. Greed works. Greed clarifies, cuts through and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Greed, in all of its forms – greed for life, for money, for love, knowledge – has marked the upward surge of mankind. And Greed – you mark my words – will not only save Teldar Paper but that other malfunctioning corporation called the USA.

how about saving the OTHER malfunctioning corporation called the arab world. because of greed, luxury and power, arabs and their leaders do not look for justice and change. they look for more power, and more money and will accept silence as their binding term.

so we move in to something a bit more pragmatic, something a little closer to the psyche of the normal person. Natural born killers, i think woody harrelson and julliet lewis had the most genius script… like pulp fiction probably had a line for everybody who watched it, a line that stuck in their head? “….It was a teenage wedding, and the old folks wished them well …You could see that Pierre did truly love the madamoiselle …” 

In Natural born killers, the line that stuck in my head was not from the main characters, it was from a peripheral character, an indian american, telling a joke:

Natural Born Killers, 1994: Once upon a time, a woman was picking up firewood. She came upon a poisonous snake frozen in the snow. She took the snake home and nursed it back to health. One day the snake bit her on the cheek. As she lay dying, she asked the snake, “Why have you done this to me?” And the snake answered, “Look, bitch, you knew I was a snake”

 innit ?

 

u know what im loving about me these days? the fact that im juggling a million tragedies but feel calm in my chest.

for example, i got a pimple in my nose – no problem, no beauty hazard. burnt it with acetone.

i got a flu, i took panadol and i got better 3 weeks later, developed into sinusitis or something.

i got a pimple under my chin – an evil pimple thats under the skin and hurts like hell. but a week later… it wasnt as annoying….

i almost got socially exposed on a couple of occasions this month… but i think the damange control worked… ish…

im bitchy to almost every one around me.. and they seem to still kinda love me..

i donno. im having a bad day? or is it my quarter life crisis ( http://darkaeon.wordpress.com/2008/03/15/being-twenty-something-the-quarter-life-crisis/ )hitting me exactly on time

actually. i shouldnt be sad about it. no. i should embrace it. like menopause.

now thats a big thing… but i guess whats happening to me right now is a big thing too. im changing jobs. no, not jobs, careers. if i fail in this ,  i will be worth nothing forever. if i succeed.. not neccessarily immensly. i am not looking for glory, i am looking to give myself the opportunity to fullfill a dream, a dream that i had stolen from my mother many years ago. therefore, if i succeed, that will be everything i ever wanted. full stop.

 other than that, i am also facing truths. certain truths about people around me. people that are part of my daily life. other truths that just come with time and growing up. i am beginning to feel what is being said between the lines and that is a whole new kinda, depressing world.

i  thought that real people fight daily battles for whats right and wrong, but im accepting that its every man for himself.

how far do you reach out a hand to somebody? i mean we all think we do, but we dont really make a visible effort. we feel the pain and anquish of wanting things to be different, of wanting the person facing you to realize that it’s ok and you’re here and fuck the world or at least fuck the world, you can do it. but the world is always gnawing at the back of your head. no matter how much you dont want it to matter, it does.

thats ok, its normal. its what life is all about. feeling it doesnt deserve an ounce of your respect, but deep down inside you know are wrong. like how you’d feel about prostitutes!! no im kidding, but you know what i mean…

so no, im not having a bad day. im not having a bad month. im not going through menapause (shame). im going through ‘change’. you know the age groups you have to tick when filling out an application? i can now, painfuly tick the choice that states ‘adult’.  i imagine a stewardess’, sorry, flight attendat’s voice saying “welcome to the rest of your life. please leave your heart at the door.” well at least they should say that. everything should come in contracts with fine print, life would be so much more manageable.

so yeah, i guess you understand the sarcasm at the top of the page now. and i guess what im saying is.. its nice when someone gently says “And please, say to me You’ll let me hold your hand. Now let me hold your hand, I want to hold your hand.”

my pen pal is traveling. hes gone off somewhere for work, then somewhere off for vacation. yup the summer is here and the time is right for dancing in the streets….. else where that is. not here in Oman. here, everything stands still, in fear of flinching a muscle causing the whole body to start sweating. no, im kidding.  no body wants to flinch a muscle, coz its summer. and things should slow down even more. so we can enjoy the stilness that everybody, who has gone on vacation, has left us.

thats how i feel anyway. i am not going on vacation this year. not that i dont want to, but i thought it would be financially ‘wiser’. the holidays i take are never long enough and always cost me more than i want them to. i wanted to have a quiet year and hope my life settles down. and once my life settles down, than i can do something and be happy about it. a vacation is something important, location and company are the primary focus. 

location wise, i love my choices, i have the whole world at my command.

company.. is the bitch. where am i gonna find good company to go away with. to forget the world with, to stare at the sky and feel the air tasting different. to stay up all night and not worry about the next day. to leave my hair smelling of sea water and not feel paranoid. to let my hair scrunge up, frizz up and afro up as much as it wants without me silently chastising it. all those amazing things that happen to you when you are not at Home.

but it got me thinking. why was i under pressure to plan a vacation this summer. i had a million other things to worry about and prioritize. everybody was talking about it though. my friends at work are going to malta, my coffee shop friends are going to thailand, the girls are going to zanzibar. the rich are going to europe. the modest are going to dubai. the discreet are going to salalah.

i got invited to all these destinations and considered each sincerely. but at the end, the company wasnt worth it. the people who are going to malta want to party all nite for 9 nights in a row. the ones who are going to thailand want to do the same for longer, and so are the girls who are going to zanzibar. they are all nice people, dont get me wrong.. and we can have loads of fun, and make millions of memories. but probably memories that i wouldnt want to keep. memories that i dont want to live through and memories that might not be worth regailing to my kids. so why bother?

another thing was the exhaustion. do u sometimes feel you need a sabbatical after your holiday? yes it was fun, but the way you feel when you get into your own bed after 14 nights away, you kind of realize you missed this feeling the most, and the exhaustion finally hits you. When you wake up the next morning, you are too tired to answer your familys questions. u get back to work and ur body aches for a week. so no, no thank you, i didnt want to feel any more exhaustion this year.

maybe im just too old for these kind of summers… maye i need to adopt an ethopian family like my spinister cousin did? maybe i need to hibernate.

mmmm… hibernate… you know how homer is like with donuts? im like that with sleep and cheese cake. i think my best vacation will be when MY family goes on vacation. but it sux coz they are never synchronized ,i always have to end up with the family member that was ‘left behind’. the one thats not ‘coperating’ 

no, thats not true. but it happened once a few years ago. i had the house to myself , it was the best kind of relaxation i had ever experienced. better than any spa, or island. to be home, in your pj’s, with a million channels on your 64 inch tv, and 2 maids catering for your every need.  yess… i found my haven

so im thinking next month, ill go to dubai for a weekend. im in the mood to do normal things; like go to a decent cinema, sit in nice cafe’s, eat in a restaurant, have a good conversation and look at nice people. i think i deserve that.

i changed careers on saturday. it was weird. not weird that i resigned. but the proccess. 

i work for a great company, whos name means alot to my cv. it’s a company that really showed me life is a jungle, and the workplace is hell. you see, its not like on tv, or in the movies where the torture lies in peoples stupidity and passively decorated offices. no… its the beautiful contemporary designed offices that you must fear. its the people that promise you professionalism that you must avoid. if they were professional, they wouldnt waste time talking to you. you will see it, in their posture, the tone of their voice and intensity of eye contact. i.e – we must have the skill to read between the lines.

last week, exactly last saturday, i woke up with a feeling of gloom in my chest. i put the alarm on snooze, and wished so hard that i didnt have to go. so i asked my manager if i could take the rest of the week off. he asked me why and i said no reason,  i just need to relax. so he reluctantly approved my leave and passed me on to my senior manager for approval. he was a bit more inquisitive and managed to get out of me the whole story. i had received an offer two weeks ago. i managed to ignore it the first week, then it started gnawing at me the week after, and now i need to take a decision. funny enough, he freaked out. i was suprised. he passed me on to my VP, who already heard the story in a matter of seconds. he asked me if i wanted to leave. i said i didnt want to, but i needed to think.

how can i leave everybody i’ve known for the last two years? in a way we grew up together, developed strong bonds, honesties, braveries in character and so much more. we cried together, we laughed together. we didnt acheive anything substantial really. i just have emotional bonds, and zero stimulation.

that’s what i hated. being brain dead. but everybody was. its sad really. most of them were here because they have families, the money is good so this job can not be wasted. the younger generation are actually here to learn, but after 8 months, they either become a nuisance to the environment (skipping work, two hour lunch breaks, no intiative) or geeks with creepy befriending habits.

i see so many grown ups around me who feel humiliated, tired, out of place in the work place. but they carry on, and have no plans of retiring soon. The Need Factor.

so i started to think. i want to develop into a reasonably healthy and considerably sane adult. i dont want to pass on any complexities to my children other than hereditary curses. i need my brain to feel again. i cant end up like them.

So without really discussing the issue with anyone properly, i resigned. the environment i am going to suits my personality. you see i have a nasty personality, that is not reformed whatsoever.  i have been training myself forever to master my mind, (its an ongoing process that never ends btw) which really helps u to advance emotionally. however, i cannot come close to controling my body. My Need Factor. I smoke (though i’ve cut down), i eat all the time, whatever i want without restrictions. i am prepared to take a nap almost any time of the day. mcdonalds could be breakfast. thanks to dunkin donuts now, i have another addiction the world is like a big play field for me and i can run wild

that scares me.  i guess you can argue that its “Change” i am afraid of way, in a way yes, and in a way no. everybody is like that. we welcome it, though we fear it. but the environment which i will join will help me control not my surroundings, but myself. placing myself in the right environment will keep me busy acheiving productive things;  i will be placed in the ‘right’ play field. the play field where i can fulfill my potential willingly.

it was such a difficult choice to make. but what i realized was, i have to make room for my instinct. for a long time now.. its been my insticts against my head. my instincts were always wrong.. and they have cost me, to this day. but the time has come for change.. and real life must begin.

the amazing side to all of this you ask? when love finds you, your heart automatically makes room for the rest of your life.